Sponge Barbie Square Pants

I have fond memories of the days when I could go into any clothing store, pick up a size 6 pair of pants, proceed to the register, go home & start trying on outfit combinations. Shopping was fun then - the possibilities were endless - my closet ran-eth over.

And then I turned 30.

I woke up one morning and had a new body.

But I'm flexible. Take the scenario described above, remove the 6 and replace it with an 8. No biggie. Give size 6 pants to smaller friend & wonder if the IRS would consider that a deductible charitable contribution.

Another year goes by and I find myself beginning most days wondering why the dryer keeps shrinking my pants. After a thorough investigation, however,I realized that the dryer was not to blame. Whatever - my search began for bigger 8's and small 10's. And I still don't have enough hangers or closet space for all my clothes. Repeat the aforementioned charitable contribution, only this time, take the tax deduction.

Months go by and I notice that I am wearing the same few pairs of pants constantly, since they are the only ones that fit comfortably. No problem - the stretch phenomenon has swept the nation, so one more trip to the mall & crotch comfort has been restored. Put old pants in the trash - smaller friend probably doesn't want them with missing buttons, broken hooks and busted seams. Increase charitable contribution deduction.....just because.

Actually, I lied. There was way more than just one trip to the mall. In each store I visited, I noticed that the pants were fitting rather strangely. They would be comfortable all over, but there was an enormous gap between my back and the back of the pants. I mean huge. Big enough to fit a soccer ball in.

After talking it over with friends, I discover the reason for this - women's clothes are no longer designed to accommodate and accentuate curves. They are designed for women whose waist is the same width as their hips. I start looking around to see these women for myself. Who could they be? How did they get their bodies to be rectangles? When did the average woman stop being shaped like an hourglass?

More months go by. I consider bringing suit against pants manufacturer, since they're not stretching as advertised. Realize that lawsuits are long and costly & go with Plan B: stop trying to zip & button pants and get longer shirts.

More attempts at buying new pants. (When did shopping stop being fun?) More square shaped pants for square shaped girls.

Plan B is a success for a few months. Until one morning I went to put on some pants and couldn't get my thigh into them. Not a good way to start the day.

More pants shopping. To my delight, several retailers have introduced new cuts for their pants, designed for girls with figures. This has to be good news, right? Wrong. During a fitting for a bridesmaid dress I discover the reason that even "curvy" pants are not a sure thing for me.

There is a 12 inch difference between my waist and my "hips". (You say hips, I say junk in trunk. Semantics.)

I'M A FREAK OF NATURE!

But, I'm also a trooper - I fought back the tears and got on the treadmill. And after a few months of working out, not only did the thigh compartment suddenly decide to stretch (must have heard about the pending law suit), but I could zip AND button my pants.

VICTORY!!

Like most victories, however, mine was shortlived. It seemed only fair to me that my reward for all that sweating in the gym should be not sweating in the gym. So I stopped going. Instead I used my lunch hour for eating and after work I went home.

And then the thunder returned to my thighs.

What was once loosely fitting material had become razor blades, digging into my bikini line.
What was once left only in your imagination had become camel toe.
What was once a fun, quick trip to TJMaxx, had become a painstaking process.

1. select pants
2. try on pants
3. wonder who the hell has thighs this small
4. guess how many basketballs could fit in the back of pants
5. tell sales girl , "No I don't need a bigger size"
6. pick self esteem up off the floor
7. tell sales girl, "It sucks not to be shaped like a rectangle"
8. leave store empty handed
9. consider coming to work in pajama bottoms

But yesterday, all my pants-related dreams came true. Apparently some sympathetic sales girl must have told her boss about the customer who was crying and screaming about square hips and rectangular junk. And that boss must have told the corporate office. And the super stretchy, curvy slack was born! The Gap is my new best friend! (Who knew?)

So for now, I can abandon my thoughts of coming to work naked. I'll be wearing my fancy new black pants every single day until The Gap makes them in a different color. For now, shopping is fun again.